The Double Minded woman between two poles...

... I've often thought my life lesson is balance "as the pendulum swings between two poles" as my soap opera of life goes. But I'm getting older and more and more tired of the drama. I have caused way too much in this life to fill several volumes of books with it! And that being the truth in my life truly is stranger than the fictional facades and masks I may masquerade with in the Masquerade Ball of Life.

I thought of the book of James chapter one of the New Testament of the Bible thinking of one little snippet of it when a sister in Christ pointed out the bigger picture and showed with more depth of scope and what the underlying problem was that I am dealing with most. Sometimes I do not even realize that the most careless words I use are a cry for help that prompt something in someone else to be God's ambassador to me and for God to use them in the moment to comfort, guide, teach, or knock me down a peg when I need it.

And as far as cleansing the soul with heart felt confession... I do admit that many of my status message updates on FB as of late really have been cries for help or merely attention of some sort in my loneliness and feeling like a misunderstood outcast in this life. I told a friend recently that I did not feel like I belong in this world and she thought that meant I was suicidal which is not the case at all. I don't want to do a single thing to hurt myself or anyone else. Tho it may not appear that way, I do place a high respect and healthy fear on the gift of life. Although the pain of which is sometimes unbearable when it comes to depression and not knowing who I can really turn to at times.

I've spent more of my life off in my own world than any place in this universe. Some people live that way all their lives without so much as batting an eye, but me... my body is getting numb from staying still too long... and there is this ache inside for real true interactive human companionship that doesn't involve technology or a computer screen. Like the song by the Judds from the 80s, "Grandpa, tell me bout the good ole days!" And yet at the same time, the Billy Joel song comes to mind right following after, "... the good ole days weren't always good and tomorrow's not as bad as it seems..." But I digress and chase bunnies down the rabbit trail as usual....

My point is... I've settled for this transparent and flimsy non-existent thing called my life as I have always known it, spending everyday more and more becoming cyborb, and for what? Can a computer give you a hug? Oh.. no.. not going to go down the road of talking artificial intelligence and robotics and Data from Star Trek the Next Generation type of fiction that could become reality.... but life, real life, do I even remember what it is? Did I ever know it to begin with? Somewhere lost in once upon a time lands along with deserted dreams and best laid wishes and plans? Perhaps... whatever happened to the human equation?

I've spent more of this month off on my own alone feeling miserable wishing for a human connection with just about anyone and feeling like I'm being more and more cut off from civilization due to circumstances in my life that overwhelm me. And so I end up doing old tricks or things that never worked in my own desperate need to reach out in whatever way I can think of in this great big web that is world wide. I spin my stories which aren't meant as lies... True lies? the great oxymoron? For even in the lies, there lies some grains of truth from the bits of different parts of me that long for attention of any sort... the actress... the poor player that struts and frets her hour upon the stage.

But hey, I am growing too old for the drama and scared I'm losing whatever friends I may actually have left in my immaturity. There surely is a method to my madness in there somewhere, unfortunately, its the method of this scared little girl inside of me that is spoiled rotten who takes the wheel of my heart and mind and drives me recklessly into more and more mayhem of the mind.

So all that said... does anyone ever feel anything like this? Or am I truly alone after all?

The ever reconstructing from being self destructive

Otherwise titled... the phoenix who burns herself to ashes and continues to rise again... Can she learn to find a *happy medium* and balance her life?

Stay tuned...